you seem markedly more

i have created a new livejournal, mybestbeloved for three reasons:

1.  it bothers me that everyone who doesn't know the song "peach plum pear" must think that "oozing surprise" sounds disgusting.

2.  this one is horribly disorganized.

3.  new leaves are good.



so add me, because i'll be deleting this one in a month.

it's about that time...time for me to start thinking about getting a performance job...i'm having my head shots taken tomorrow, but i need to start working on monologues now!!!


would someone PLEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEEEE!!!!!!!! pass along a few clean, comedic monologues???? i have plenty of children's theater and disney auditions coming up.  HELP!

when i fail a test, i can pick myself up and say i'll try harder next time.

when i go through a breakup, or a fight with a friend, i say that it hurts now, but wounds heal with time.

it is only when i feel broke that i want to disappear and die.


i have $1 in my savings account.  max and i have $100 to live off of for two weeks.  that's food, gas, and our anniversary.  i am in the company of millions of americans, and i feel so hopelessly down.  i feel so pathetic.  and worse, i think how max could be in a dorm with a meal plan, and he wouldn't be sharing this burden with me.  and worse yet...that isn't that broke!!! i know people that are living off of NOTHING.  that are bumming off of friends, and scraping together just enough money for a can of campbell's soup a day.  i've been that bad, and i am not there now, yet i feel like such a supreme failure.

on the other side of the coin.....living more simply means learning how to appreciate simplicity in a whole new way...think about all those books i'm going to get to re - read...that extra half hour at the gym i'll take since i won't be able to go out with friends.  sex as entertainment.   long walks with max to campus instead of driving.....this could be wonderful.

( harrison emailed me... )

harrison,
i would love to read those old conversations, but i need some time to think.  there is a lot that needs to be said, and i would love to get to the bottom of everything...go to sarasota, do some drugs, and bond as friends, but i don't think you quite understand how much you hurt me.  i am not angry or resentful of anything really, but being with you wounded me in ways that made me doubt that time heals all, and taught me to regret for the first time in my life.  i am still discovering new and stressful ways in which our relationship damaged me, and i am still manually and consciously undoing the damage.  i am afraid that meeting with you would solidify anything that would be harmful for me, and while i am very content and secure with myself (as a somewhat formed adult), i know that i am not past the point of re - opening old wounds that could cause further difficulty.

don't get me wrong.  i'm really quite okay with you, and i would really love for this to happen.  i just need to be sure that meeting with you won't have a retrograde effect on me.  and i don't think that's something that you can tell me or help me with.

however, emailing those conversations to me will help.

amy.................................i heard you were getting better....................i hope you left believing that the world is good.

( look at me...jumping on the bandwagon... )

I want to give you a delicious, healthy recipe
( and ask you ten questions )

and blow your mind

here are just a few pictures i took over the past month:

( to spare your friends page... )

so remember that post i made about a week ago about carol and her director friend sending each other messages about what a crazy bitch i am for wanting to resolve a conflict before the audition?  well, one of the girls i teach, who is in the cast of the vagina monologues mentioned she didn't like the assistant director, so i told her "yeah, we lived together....she's crazy in a bad sort of way."  she said, "ohh, so you're the leah they were talking about..."

apparently, when they found out this girl was a BFA, carol said "do you know leah?" and when the girl said no, she proceeded to bitch about me, and tell everyone about our circumstances, what i had done, and what a bitch i was, in the audition room, in front of all the auditioners.  she only stopped when stefanie said "carol, shut up! she might actually know her!"

i'm not that pissed off...but i feel like i should be. i know carol is a fucking nut, not to mention the fact that i was right about assuming that she hadn't gotten over it all.  but that's far beyond unprofessional, and especially for a play like the vagina monologues.  the spirit of the show is all about the bonds of sisterhood, and what a horrible way to start off that feeling by bitching about another girl, in front of 70 other people who don't know her. 

my mom thinks i should pursue this...that she should really be repremanded, and that this is a serious case of slander and liable...when you look at the circumstances, it is definitely far worse than people bitching about another person in a meeting.  i mean, tons of people were there. 

i was stressing about this as i got home last night.  i was cleaning up magazines, and i realized the past 3 issues of the times all had obama on the cover...so i asked myself, what would obama do?  obama would pick his battles, and realize that getting even deeper involved with an unreasonable person for very little results would be a waste of my time, and cause me even more stress.



but still...crazy fucking bitch.  i would love to see her deeply humiliated publicly.  it seems only fair.
 

last night i had a dream that max and I were walking through this very lush, peaceful garden.  there were hummingbirds taking a bath in a fountain mounted on the wall next to us, and I stopped to admire them.  that was the whole dream.  I woke up feeling like the hummingbirds were somewhat significant.  so i looked the little buggers up.


aside from being the smallest birds, they are the only breed that can fly backwards.  they get their names from the humming sound their wings make, as well as their heartbeats.  a hummingbird's heart beats 21 times a second.  because of this, they have an incredibly fast metabolism.  their lives are constantly spent eating, because at any given moment, they are hours away from starving.  because they are so small and fragile, almost no fossils of them survive, therefore almost nothing is known about them evolutionarily.  in a dream, they represent the dreamer's small ideas having a lot of potential and power.  because mine were taking a bath, i interpret it as my ideas and dreams ridding themselves of negativity and fear.   i am beginning to identify strongly with this little beast. 

I've always loved very tiny things.  my mother used to buy me these little tiny rubber animals, smaller than a penny.  she would slip them into my lunches, or give me one after the doctor.  on the opening night of a show, my dad would go to the local grocery store, and get me a tiny figurine.  tiny ganeshas and buddhas from the hindu stores, and little bobble - head armadillos from the mexicans.  my mom always collected little porcelain figures of animals.  I always asked for swarovski animals for my birthday, but i rarely got them.  one year, my grandmother got me a tiny collection of swarovski chicks.  i still have them.  they sit on my windowsill, catching the light.  aside from the obvious, that tiny fake animals mean love to me, i've always been fascinated with how immensely tiny our world is.  that we really are star stuff, and that, as humans, we are made of billions of tiny power houses that keep us running.  and that our planet is an infantessimile joke when you consider the astronomical size of the universe.  when i see the world, or the things in my life as tiny, i can find peace.


call me laura, i know....